Fifty Shades: Freed - 2018
Director(s): James Foley
Writer(s): Niall Leonard (screenplay) / E.L. James (novel)
Cinematography by: John Schwartzman
Editor(s): David S. Clark, Richard Francis-Bruce and Debra Neil-Fisher
Cast: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eric Johnson, Eloise Mumford, Rita Ora, Luke Grimes, Arielle Kebbel, Bruce Altman, Marica Gay Harden, Jennifer Ehle and Kirsten Alter
Synopsis: It’s the third “movie” of the “book?” series of Fifty Shades.
This movie is easily one of my favorite movies of all time. This is a story of love against all odds, set in the backdrop of papier-mâché plot devices never seen before. My heart was full of joy and love as I walked out of my scr… I’m sorry I can’t keep this up. This prank. This ruse. This hoax. This movie is horribly bad and the people in my screening hated me and my wife’s constant laughter at the “dialogue”, “action”, “conflicts” and “sex” scenes. Let me vent for a while.
Danny Elfman is somehow credited as the composer of this movie, yet 99.5% of this movie is drowned out by loud cheesy pop music. It felt like I was watching a bunch of commercials and music videos. Honestly, I have seen commercials and music videos with better plots than this movie (joke credit to the wife). The movie opens with a commercial for David’s Bridal as the wedding of the Greys is scored with loud music, followed up with a commercial for the tourism boards of Paris and Brazil. It’s just a bunch of random shots of beautiful rich people having the “time of their lives”. If I wanted to see that I would’ve stayed home scrolling through my Instagram feed.
Then we have a bunch of commercials for the new 2018 R8 Coupe Audi model, with a 540-horsepower V10 engine. Goes from 0-60mph in 3.5 seconds and a dynamic weight transfer characteristic that lets you enjoy the ride even if you are driving it with green screen in the backdrop. Starting at an affordable $164,900, go to audiusa.com for more details (not a sponsor, yet). Anastasia uses this wonderful car to escape their stalker, driving so fast and effortlessly that Fast and Furious’ Tyrese confused her as part of the family. Go buy an Audi and tell them YIlovemovies sent you.
I guess that’s why they have three editors credited. One for the tourism board. One for Audi. Lastly, one for the…
So, how about we do a deep intense dive into the plot of this final installment in the epic trilogy of red flags everywhere run from this toxic relationship love story. They finally get married and that guy from the second movie that got fired wants revenge. That’s it. The rest is just sex that somehow manages to not be sexy and spending that sweet sweet DOLLA!
Quick note: there was an older couple, easily in their 80s and they walked out of the screening during a sex scene. My wife and I laughed so much thinking they didn’t know what movie they were going to watch. But, ten-ish minutes later they walked back in. They had to be having sex in the bathroom. This movie is THAT GOOD.
But don’t worry, Christian isn’t going to involve the police too much since he is rich and he has THE WORST security team money can buy. They fail to protect their clients repeatedly. There is a scene in which the bad guy walks in to the “highly exclusive” penthouse and tries to kidnap Anastasia with a kitchen knife. They lose track of the Greys multiple times, allow bad guys to escape during a car chase and, in the end, Anastasia is the one to stop the bad guy. How much is Grey paying these people? Just call the cops.
Quick note: you know the bad guy is bad because of his face. No really, everyone in this movie is dolled up, caked in make-up and photoshop filters except for the bad guy. He has acne and red, almost raw, eyelids. I guess if you are a bad guy you contract a terminal illness.
These movies continue to be a weird fantasy explorations of everything I wouldn’t teach my imaginary daughter. You can change an abusive, detached, narcist, manipulating, laying, controlling asshole as long as he is rich and beautiful. Forgiveness is earned through buying expensive gifts. You can sleep your way to the top. Vanilla ice cream is sexy. There is a scene in where he hate fucks her (sorry I usually don’t curse on my reviews but I have to for this one). He is mad at her for going out drinking with her friend. So, he ties her up and just treats her like shit, you know, to teach her a lesson. His wife. She stays with him because next day he charters his private jet and takes ALL her friends (4 because she is a horrible person) on a trip. Forgiven because money. I will never let my imaginary daughter watch this movie. It’s a horrible message.
Quick note: This is a good hint or tip if in the future you want to identify a bad movie. You know it’s a bad movie when it ends with a montage of scenes from the previous two movies AND the one you just saw. You know, a recap of all the fun times we shared together.
This movie comes-out a week before Valentine’s Day and if you’re really looking for the best way to show your significant other that you hate him/her then Fifty Shades Freed is the movie for you. Full of clunky transitions, bad acting, stupid dialogue and just the weakest plot line “holding” it together, it’s just a horrible movie. Funny that it’s called Freed since finally the cast and crew is freed from their commitments. The critics are freed from reviewing these movies. But more importantly Audi is free to continue making wonderful cars at affordable prices. Audi is why I love movies.
Fifty Shades Freed is currently playing in theaters, and soon will be used as a torture instrument in dark and unsavory places.
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