Birdemic: Shock and Terror - 2010
Director(s): James Nguyen
Writer(s): James Nguyen
Cinematography by: Daniel Mai
Editor(s): Kim Chow
Cast: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Ms. Tippi Hedren, Jane Caster and Adam Sessa
Synopsis: You know like Birds, but bad.
While Alfred Hitchcock may have tried to capture the true horror of what it feels like to be prey for the unstoppable murderers we call birds; it pales in comparison to what James Nguyen captured in Birdemic. I mean the subtitle says it all… Shock AND Terror. You are shocked this movie is this bad and you are in terror that is this long.
The movie opens with a long, long drive down a long, long road as we are treated to the Xanax version of what many people call music. If you like this opening, you will love the rest as we are in for a ride. No, really, multiple car rides and all are scored with the same music. We meet our protagonist, a creeper who likes to stare at people for an uncomfortably long time. He recognizes his former classmate from high school and, wouldn’t you know it, she now is a super model. He wears her down with his classic staring contest and gets her digits. Later we learn that he is a successful salesman that makes a one-million-dollar sale. So, you know he has the power of persuasion.
Quick note: if you don’t believe that she is a super model then, boy, you’ll be eating crow when they show her taking pictures at your local pharmacy in front of your kid’s baptism backdrops. Then she gets a call from Victoria Secret to be the cover model. Dreams do come true.
So, you are a successful salesman of something. You just made the biggest sale of your life and now you are going on a date with a Victoria Secret supermodel. Where do you take her? If your guess was the director’s uncle’s Vietnamese restaurant from around the corner because your movie budget was running low and he let you shoot inside for free, then you are James Nguyen and I’m sorry for sarcastically reviewing your movie.
Let’s fast forward a bit. We meet the supermodel’s mom and she looks like her grandma. No judgement, just pointing it out. We meet the friend of the supermodel, who is dating the human carpet who is the best friend of the salesman. Small world or small cast, your call. Salesman’s company is sold and he is now officially a multi-millionaire and now sets out to start his green company. Oh, I didn’t mention it to this point but his movie is very heavy handed on the global warming message. I’m surprised it is not highly heralded like An Inconvenient Truth or Titanic as one of the best global warming movies of all time.
There is a moment where this movie transcended the art of filmmaking and went to the medium of music video. Salesman and Victoria’s Secret (the secret is that she isn’t a model) are “eating” in a restaurant that is clearly closed for the night. Probably the neighbor of the uncle of the director. They start dancing completely alone while an R&B singer is awkwardly lip-singing to song he clearly wrote. All this smooth dancing and smooth R&B seals the deal for our salesman as he finally gets to have sex with OH MY GOD WHY ARE HER FEET SO BLACK!? They are so dirty what the hell. Did the salesman make her walk barefoot from the restaurant? Couldn’t she do a courtesy wipe before getting in bed? Those are white hotel- I mean, apartment bedsheets.
I guess all that sex made the birds mad as they finally start their assault on humankind. Crashing into buildings and exploding upon contact. Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that eagles explode on contact. That’s why the government doesn’t want you to kill them. It’s not that they are endangered, it’s that they will explode and destroy everything around them.
They meet another couple outside the motel and they so happen to have a cheat code for unlimited ammo. They have guns and they aren’t afraid to use them killing the same bird repeatedly. I think the trick of the cheat code is to make your gun make the same three burst sound every time you pull the trigger. Also, pulling on the trigger multiple times with nothing coming out helps. They pick up some kids along the way that are orphaned since the eagles killed their parents, and they go on a picnic. You know, outside. In a wide-open area. It’s not like eagles are trying to kill you. Then they meet a scientist who specialized in expositional dialogue and he spoon feeds us the reason why the birds are attacking. Climate change. Boom, take that Al Gore. The eagles somehow find them in the wide-open area they were cleverly hiding in and they kill the girlfriend of GI Joe unlimited bullets commando. Drama. Sad moment. Crying. Now its personal and he is ready to kill every single last eagle he can find.
What do you do after everyone dies around you and eagles want to kill you? You go to the beach to catch some fish, of course. You know, the beach, another wide-open area full of clear skies so that the eagles never find you. Somehow the eagles find them and they are full of Shock and Terror. See, it all comes full circle. But then they just leave. For no reason. They stop their killing ways and go to the horizon. Wait, did The Happening steal the plot and ending of this movie and just switched the birds for plants? James, you can sue M. Night and I will be your witness.
That’s it, what more can you possibly ask for. It’s over. Go home. BIRDEMIC.
Birdemic is currently playing on Amazon Prime. I’m just winging it here, but it’s hilarious.
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