Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power
This is the fourth instalment of the franchise Dwayne The Rock Johnson kicked off back in 2002. It was directed by Mike Elliott (Blue Crush 2!!!) and written by Michael D. Weiss (The Butterfly Effect 2!!!). Royalty at work. So, let’s not drag this out and just get right into it.
How are we re introduced to our main hero, the Scorpion King? Well, he dances with his sidekick to evade CGI blades as he set off a trap in the place he is raiding. I didn't see 2-3, only the one The Rock was involved, but I guess along with slimming down in muscle tone and charisma he also became Indiana Jones? Wasn't he a king? A scorpion king? Why is he stealing artifacts?
Fun fact: the people they fight are MMA fighters. One is called “Bigfoot” Silva and the other is Roy “Big Country” Nelson. No joke here, just noticed this random cameo.
So, who are they stealing from? Lou fucking Ferrigno, aka Hulk aka Body Paint All Day aka Dollar Store Pants. I don't want to spoil it for you, but I also don't want to lead you on - apparently Lou no longer has an anger problem because he never turns in to the Hulk. I guess the desert air is as soothing as we all thought it to be.
"You are betraying me" the Scorpion King says as he is betrayed by his dancing partner. Just in case you were as to what was happening, he was being betrayed. I’m reaffirming this just in case I wasn't clear enough. Of his betrayal, I mean. Betrayed. Inside the artifact was another artifact. Artifact-caption. Golden key of Egyptian sounding name that is literally the key to power. Or so we are told. uuUuuUu. Maybe I don't know, I write this review as I go so it could possibly be just a key and nothing ominous.
Scorpion King is now sent on a mission by his King... wait what would he be considered? Scorpion King's King? Double King? King Squared? Right, the mission, he has to go to another king to deliver a letter of peace. Yeah, another king. This would be the Scorpion King's King's enemy King... the mission once again fails and he is imprisoned. In the prison, he meets a girl in a bikini who is also a prisoner and she helps him escape. For a prisoner, her hair and makeup is on point! I think her crime was posting too many bikini pics on Instagram. The betrayer of the Scorpion King is now in charge of torturing him. How does he torture him? you may ask. Well, they put him in a device called man-tea. Because it looks like an oversized tea kettle and they heat it up. "We like to see what boils up first, the truth or the tea". Badass? I say... let's move on.
Quick note: the betrayer that betrayed the Scorpion King aka The Pebble in the beginning also betrayed the king, who is also his father. Yeah, two betrayals within the first 25 minutes of the movie. Now the betrayer will become the new King. So, he is the Scorpion King's enemy King's successor King. I’m trying my best to keep track of this movie.
The following line is said to our hero: "You're a pawn in a game of kings." Too much kings for my taste. The one and only true king I recognize is the Burger King. Let the whopper inside you free. Let's fast track this a bit. Instagram model also escapes and joins forces with The Pebble. They go on a 10-minute escape scene in which grown men pretend to be severely hurt by a woman they outweigh by 150 pounds and The Pebble pretends to have the same line delivery as The Rock. Anyway, they escape by jumping off a huge wall and they try and fail to recreate the falling-down-the-hill scene from Princes Bride.
They go to her father seeking help and shelter. Her father is dressed as a chicken and is throwing himself from a catapult. Get it? Because chickens fly. Wait, they don’t fly. What the hell was his plan? Comedy! The father is played by Barry Bostwick, a man who has 157 acting credits tied to his name. None more prestigious as the chicken-suit-wearing father of an Instagram model. The bad guys catch up to them and they reveal that The Pebble is the Scorpion King… The chicken and the model didn’t know. You know now that the model is all for the romantic angle the script is going to force on us down the lane.
We get a Hi-LA-ri-OUS scene in where The Pebble and the chicken have to dress like women to get in the temple. Because it’s an all-women temple. It’s funny because they are men and they are in dresses. Get it? Men aren’t supposed to be in dresses. COMEDY! Oh, and they have to make “women voices” whenever they talk. I mean who wrote this? Anyway, they once again have to escape the villains in an overly long sequence.
Moving right along, our heroes need a map and the only way they are going to get it is in a fight pit. Who has to fight in said pit? The Instagram model, of course. Apparently, her opponent is a WWE drop out because she climbs the top of the ropes and does a summersault to land on her. The rest of the fight plays out in slow motion. Don’t worry The Instagram model has a few moves up her sleeves, she has been watching UFC and gives the WWE Diva a good old-fashion armbar. She wins by kicking her teeth to the camera. No really, the teeth actually hit the camera and make a sound. Your move, Deadpool.
I must say; this movie is the gift that keeps on giving. Our gang now runs into another king. A king of a tribe of… little people? Bunch of little dudes making weird sounds and dressed up like the lost boys from Peter Pan. They all bond over the fact that they burp loudly. Even the model gets in on the action. But she’s a lady. Ladies aren’t supposed to burp. COMEDY! The little dudes help our crew find the mysterious location they are searching for - the lair of the dragon. So, there is a dragon in this movie. I thought this movie was set during the height of the Egyptian Empire. I’m not a historian but I didn’t know dragons were a thing during those times. Let alone horrible CGI dragons. Don’t worry, the Scorpion King gets dressed like a chicken and kills it. Cool. Moving on.
Fast forward, they get to wherever they wanted to get to, but they are betrayed by someone in their party. Yeah, third betrayal in the movie. The original betrayer gets “all the power in the world” but he is no match for The Pebble and his fighting skills. He then once again has to go through a series of boobie-traps to get to the treasure they have been seeking from the very beginning. He gets a blue glowing crown and has to walk through fire (CGI fire) to prove he is worthy of the crown. The original betrayer steals the crown from The Pebble and freezes to death because he is not honorable. The final words he is told before broken into CGI pieces is “It takes more than a crown and a sword to be a King.”. I want to count how many times they wrote “King” in this script.
The Pebble uses the newly found crown to revive the chicken. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he got stabbed and was bleeding to death ever since they got to the place. For some reason, the chicken is crowned the new king and the Instagram model becomes the new queen. The end. Any questions? A guy dressed like a chicken got to be king in the end, that’s why I love movies.
Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power is currently streaming on Netflix. Are you chicken enough to watch it?
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