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Hobgoblins -  1988

Hobgoblins - 1988

The movie opens with a clear generational gap of old-school security guards and new school security guards. The young one has a blasé-attitude towards his work with his feet up and his Walkman blaring, and the old, you know, cares about his work as he is securing stuff. They start doing the rounds and the old guard tells the new guard not to go to the basement. Well you can clearly see where this is going, the new guard goes to the basement and dies by hallucinating he is singing and in a rock show… What? Yeah, how did he die, exactly, you may ask. Well, simply he fell off the stage. Same old same old.

Apparently, this is not the first guard that has died at this location. The boss of the old guard is tired of hiring new guards when they quit. So, all the guards that have disappeared and nobody has come around asking question as to what happened to them. They just disappeared. They end up hiring another guard, but this one shares the core values of the "security guard code", the old guard carries with him everywhere he goes. Maybe the evil creatures of this movie aka the Hobgoblins that are definitely not rip-offs of Gremlins are getting rid of them. But nobody cares?

I know what you are asking yourself, is this movie all about security guards? Well don’t worry, we have a group of teenagers and their wonderful acting. There are two couples, the new security guard and his stick-up-her-butt girl, and soldier back from boot camp training and his sex-crazed aerobics instructor girlfriend. Within the group we have a fifth wheel who, to avoid feeling lonely, calls a sex hotline while at his friend’s house… you know normal things you do when you are at other people’s houses.

Boot camp soldier decides to show the security guard how to fight with broomsticks. Apparently, he went to a special boot camp where they specialize in broomstick fighting. After the guard gets his ass kicked, his girlfriend gets mad at him. I guess he took the stick out of her ass and she didn’t appreciate it because she is really pissed at him for losing a friendly toss-up. Oh, while they are fighting the soldier and the aerobics instructor are having sex in the van next to them. You know, normal things you do while parked in front of your friend’s house.

I’m skipping ahead to when the Hobgoblins are set loose in the world. The new guard opens the vault (yeah, there is a vault in where the Hobgoblins are kept) and my god are they horrible… I mean, amazing looking. It’s a cross between a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy (not a sponsor), a Gremlins that got burned and a 5-year-old arts and craft present for Mother’s Day. We also get some background to where they came from (space), and what they do (fulfill your wildest fantasy and kill you), and how to kill it (bright lights).

The Hobgoblins go directly to the new guard’s home were his 3 friends are having a party. You know the saying: “When you can’t afford more than 3 actors, throw a party and pretend it’s a normal thing to do.” They physically attack all his friends even though not two seconds ago we were told they attack the mind not the body. The new guard goes directly to his house, because I guess he also knew the director couldn’t afford any other victim, and saves his friends. So, what does his friend do with his new-found lease on life? He calls the sex hotline again, but this time around the Hobgoblin gets into his mind to fulfil his wildest fantasy. The hotline actress appears and they get in his car, headed directly to “Reputation Road”. I guess that's where the director crashed his career.

The hotline sex operator takes the fifth wheel to a cliff and tells him “you have to go to the edge if you want to go all the way”. I guess that’s semi-good advice to lead your life by, let me know how that goes for you. The security guard arrives just in time and fights the hotline sex operator… wait isn’t that the fantasy of his friend? How is he able to see her and interact with her? This is almost as if the director didn’t think this world trough. He can save his friend, but the car still goes off the cliff and gets destroyed.

Skip to the next fantasy in line, the stick-up-her-butt girlfriend whose fantasy is to go to a punk-rock club… a club. We are treated to a full three-minute song played by the cousin of the neighbor of the mom of the director. We hear the entire song, no cut, no reason… the entire song. The girlfriend goes up to the stage and does the most awkward version of a burlesque show I have ever seen. She seduces the bouncer, because her fantasy is to be slutty? Who wrote this movie? One of her lines is “It’s me faking an orgasm for you.” … Sexy?

Now is where things get out of control. The Hobgoblins take ahold of the boot-camp soldier and his fantasy is to become Rambo. He starts to shoot up the place and throw grenades all over. Well, they are more like smoke pellets, since it just produced a puff of smoke wherever it landed. He sacrifices himself by laying himself on top of a “grenade”. He would later appear alive with some cuts and bruises ready to bone his girl.

This movie ends with the old security guard blowing up the building with the Hobgoblins inside and the soldier has sex with his girl. The end. I once again love movies because they end.

Hobgoblins is currently streaming on Amazon Prime. My fantasy is you watching this because of me.

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Space Jam - 1996

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