Charlotte - 2017
This movie is about a toy doll coming to “life” and hunting a babysitter. The doll’s is name Annabelle… I mean Chucky. No, wait, it’s Charlotte. Ok, so it’s not a 100% rip-off of Annabelle, they steal from other movies too. The doll ties up the babysitter and shows her a series of “horror stories,” to torture her I guess.
Ok, let’s talk about the first horror story the doll uses to torture the babysitter. Car accident leaves a woman without eyes and one leg. Wait, what accident could she had possibly gone through that she got her eyes plucked out of her head and she lost her leg…? This sounds like a weird superhero origin story. So, it turns out she is the twin sister of a famous person, and they don’t specify why she is famous. They clearly have tension between them. What’s the plot of this one, you may ask? Voodoo dolls, clearly. Can’t stray too far away from the doll angle. She asks a Voodoo priest, I guess, though she looks more like a vending-machine fortune teller, to give her back her eyes and legs, taking them away from her twin sister.
Oh yeah, she also took her sister boobs and they show them deflating because that’s how Voodoo works. The famous sister dies and the newly reconstructed “evil one” is off to the races. She gets in the car and immediately starts driving recklessly. Her leg locks up, I guess you really must stretch and eat a lot of potassium when you get a new Voodoo leg and she gets in ANOTHER CAR ACCIDENT. Karma can be magical sometimes. Now “evil one” is back at the hospital with 95% of her body burned up. She gets a visit from her sister. WHAT!? Wasn’t she dead? She kills the “evil one” by slightly bending her airway. Vengeance is best served cold. But wait, how is she alive you may ask. Well, plot twist, they weren’t twins they were triplets! Boom. The third one needed a kidney transplant and killed the “evil one” for it. I bet you didn’t see that coming. I don’t see how they can top this first story.
Now let’s move on to the second story. This one is set on Halloween. A couple is separated from each other as a mysterious woman comes to their house trick-or-treating. The husband goes after her because she left her purse behind. After waiting for a while the wife goes after him and this is where things get interesting (I guess). She finds her husband dead and a woman kept in a cage. She frees her and they escape. Turns out she was the bad guy and the mysterious woman kills her. The end. I’m starting to think the doll is torturing the baby sitter AND us with crappy “horror” movies.
The third story is about a troll killing a babysitter. I guess this is the first one that actually applies to the “torture angle”. He kills her by chopping of her feet. The writer of this movie has a limb fetish. Nothing more to add on this one.
The fourth story is about girl scout cookie pushers harassing a man at his home. I’m glad someone has finally stepped up and pointed out the horror we face on a day to day basis thanks to these little monsters. They really think just because they are cute and they have delicious cookies they can force us to pay $5 per box? That’s the real horror here. I’m already paying with my body image, isn’t that enough? Back to the movie, everyone around him is acting zombie-like due to the cookies they are eating. He is the only one who is normal because he STOOD UP TO THIS CORRUPT SYSTEM. They break into his house and force feed him a cookie. Another one falls to the Evil Girl Scout Cookie Empire or, as they are commonly known, the EGSE.
I don’t know about you but the torture is really starting to work. Freaking Charlotte.
The fifth one... I’m skipping this one. It was a little too serious for me to make fun of it. It felt completely out of place in this string of stories. Sixth story is about a little girl left alone in her house because her mom couldn’t find a babysitter. A doll shows up at her door step. Now we are cooking with gas, back to our doll roots. We get a montage of the girl dancing with the doll and they go to sleep together. You know what the scary thing is about the doll? She came with various sets of clothes that perfectly match the wardrobe of the little girl. Well the doll is alive and is ready to murder and give parenting advice. The mom doesn’t appreciate being told how to raise her kid and she throws out the doll. When she puts her car in reverse she sees the doll in the rearview camera. AAAH. The end. Yeah, it ended. Yep. Final.
Quick note: in between all these stories we are shown the babysitter tied up next to the doll. She is slowly being transformed in to a doll herself.
Seventh is a horror festival that turns out to be a den of werewolves. They try to eat a little girl and she kills them all because she is the daughter of Lucifer. Cool. The movie ends with a new babysitter in the real world being scared by the doll the old babysitter became. I swear to you I love movies, I really do.
Charlotte is currently streaming on Amazon Prime. Doll Pun inserted here __________. That’s all folks wubalubadubdub.
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