Rage - 2014
I started watching this movie solely because it was called Rage and it had Nicolas Cage and his toupee. He has built his career around, well, randomly displaying rage whenever is least expected and producing mountains of joy in the audience. In this movie, he plays a retired criminal-turned-suit-wearing-businessman faced with a tough decision when his daughter gets kidnaped. I’ll be honest, for the first 18-minutes I was worried this movie wouldn’t be what I was looking for until Cage delivered the line, “This Puerto Rican looking shithead” and I knew I was in for the ride.
When does Cage decide to take matters into his own hands? Good question, Reader I Made Up So I Can Set Up This Joke. You will know he turned to the dark side when he turns in his suits for his brown leather jacket. The jacket choice for all criminals. That’s how my mom kept me out of the streets: by not buying the leather jacket my chubby body always wanted. I could’ve easily ended up just like Cage wearing a very black toupee and wearing a sweet, SWEET leather jacket. Cage reunites with his former coworkers of crime and they pledge allegiance to him. The following lines are spoken: “Let’s get dirty.” “How deep you want to go?” “How deep is hell?” Deep.
Next stop in his quest for vengeance is the strip-club. Why do bad guys always hang out at strip-clubs? They always find them there. When will they learn to pick a random place like a library or a Starbucks? **This is not a paid advertisement. ** The criminal is Russian and he takes off with Cage in hot pursuit. This has to be by far one of the shakiest and most confusing chase scenes I have ever seen. Honestly, I don’t think they actually ran, I think the director just made them jog in place and he just shook the camera in front of them.
Cage catches up to him on one of the wettest rooftops in the world. That amount of water would destroy any celling and the landlord needs to immediately fix this draining system before tragedy strikes. Once he gets the criminal in his hands he is free to deliver some prime rib certified angus beef Cage acting, finally channeling all of the… Rage that has built up in the Cage. Slamming the head of the criminal over and over while asking him at the same time who did it and telling him not to die. He, for some reason, dies. But don’t worry, Cage hasn’t let out all the Rage and he pulls out his gun, shoots him multiple times and kicks him in the head for good measure. Yeah, watch below, this is what we in the business call ACTING.
Sorry I forgot to mention that Danny Glover of Lethal Weapon fame is also in this movie. Apparently, he isn’t too old for this one. The only reason I bring this up is because he is in charge of delivering the following line after they tell him who is dead. “She has a rap-sheet as long as my dick”. I mean. I just. He is either confident in the size of his dick or she only committed a couple inches worth of petty crimes. Hopefully this becomes his new catchphrase. Maybe combine it with his old-one, something like “I’m too old for this shitty long dick.” Maybe.
All the actions Cage and his crew have taken have circled back to them. More men in leather jackets roll up and kidnap one of Cage’s men. They tie him up and beat him until he confesses why they were killing men. While this is happening, Cage is raining down another prime rib certified angus beef Cage as he realizes the only reason his daughter is dead is thanks to his other crew member. I mean, words can’t describe his acting so please enjoy his acting below.
There is a legit twist that I didn’t see coming. Well, to be honest I was writing this review at the same time I was watching it so maybe I should’ve seen it coming. So, I won’t ruin that the actual killer of his daughter was the friend she was hanging out with. I won’t ruin that all the people he killed and all the things he set in motion were completely unnecessary. Great twist, won’t ruin it for you. Oh, he dies in the end.
Rage is not a 100% Cage performance like I hoped for but there is enough meat on its bones for my enjoyment. Cage crying like a maniac over the death of a man that he killed is why I love movies.
Rage is currently streaming on Netflix. Let that Rage out of the Cage.
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