BOA / New Alcatraz - 2001
This is a UFO (Unified Film Organization) Productions and A Cell Block Production joint venture, marking the first time these two GIANTS in the industry worked together. When I found out these GIANTS were behind this movie I jumped at the chance to watch it as soon as I could. This is equivalent of Spielberg’s Production Company joining forces with Stanley Kubrick’s Production Company.
We open the movie with a drilling company utilizing a CGI drill, to, well, drill in a CGI iceberg, producing a CGI explosion. Thanks to this explosion our main protagonist has been awakened: Boa is alive. I couldn’t find this anywhere but I think this is the origin story of Nagini from Harry Potter. I will later reach out to JK Rowling and confirm this but we should get going with the movie.
Dean Cain is in this movie. Dean… Cain… is in this movie. He famously played Superman/Clark in Lois and Clark and a serial rapist in Law and Order: SVU, but here he plays a teacher/paleontologist working at Princeton University. I didn’t know Princeton has such cheap-looking classrooms. You would think that high tuition would lead to better classrooms. He is having marital problems as his wife is jealous of a pretty student and she doesn’t want to settle down and have a baby. But, they are married, so technically she already settled down, so I guess I was wrong and I have an interesting conversation pending with my wife.
We cut to one of the most intense Jet Airplane fights since Top Gun. People trying to do a Russian accent in a plane are flying over the Pacific and two “High-Power Jet-Airplanes” bring them down and arrest them. All of this is done in CGI and I had to Google this fact, since the effects were so realistic that I thought they were plastic toys on a string. They don’t take them to any old prison, they take them to New Alcatraz in Antarctica. Why isn’t this a real prison? Somebody contact whoever is in charge of building prisons and send them the blueprints. Soon after we arrive in the prison, things start to go to hell.
When we finally cut back to Dean Cain and his wife they are still fighting about having a kid but this time they are on a dig “site”. They are recruited by the army to come and investigate a “rock formation” that was found in Antarctica. On the plane ride, they learn that they are on the way to, I guess, investigate a huge snake that just killed a guy. Because if you know how to dust ancient bones you can do something about a huge snake that is killing everyone. I haven’t looked at the curriculums of a Paleontology degree, but how to stop and or kill a giant snake must be at least worth 5 credits and an internship. Do you think they provide an associated degree on just killing giant snakes? Is that what Neville Longbottom studied in Hogwarts?
If Dean Cain went to Hogwarts, where would he had been sorted to? On one side, he is a total Gryffindor, since he was Superman for a long time. But he is also a total Slytherin, since he played a serial rapist in Law and Order SVU. I do not envy the job of the Sorting Hat in this case.
QUICK RECAP! Plane crashed, the army killed each other, a security guard chooses to ignore Dean Cain’s warnings, even though he is recognized as the expert in the matter, and calls him an asshole, too, for some reason. That security guard dies in the next scene, so that’s that. Cain and his baby-hating wife get separated and he assumes he is dead. He releases the prisoners because the script needs more bodies for Nagini to kill. Magically all our main protagonists, including Nagini, make their way to the plane.
Once on the plane the CGI budget goes out the door as almost every single scene in includes Nagini thirst for blood in the plane. Wait, is this where Samuel L Jackson got his idea for his movie? You know the one about snakes, I can’t remember the name. Ah, wait how can I be so stupid, it’s so obvious the name… Black Snake Moan! Man, it would’ve killed me if I didn’t remember the name of the movie. But yeah back to the movie and its over… they threw Nagini out the door and roll credits. Dean Cain is why I love movies.
BOA is currently streaming on Amazon Prime. Nagini… DINER!
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