Gods of Egypt - 2016
Gods of Egypt is the epic tale of Bek, a mortal thief that teams with the fallen god Horus to fight against the evil god Set. Alright, sounds awesome, let me see who directed this movie…. Alex Proyas? Ah yeah same mastermind as 1994’s The Crow and, well, yeah, The Crow. This should be good. Alright, who wrote this bad boy… Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, don’t they just roll right off your tongue? Ah, same masterminds as 2015’s The Last Witch Hunter and 2014’s Dracula Untold, I guess if its broke why fix it, right? Let us just jump in with our eyes wide and our hearts open.
When you have a $140 million-dollar budget for your movie and the opening title looks like they were made with the production value of a Gumby episode, you know we are in for a long ride. There are gods and humans being portrayed in this film and they are often in the same scene together. How do you distinguish the Gods of Egypt from the men in this movie? Simple trick I developed for quickly detecting them and it’s extremely subtle but if you pay attention you will notice it too… they aren’t of Egyptian descent. Oh, yeah and they are maybe 20 feet tall, maybe that’s another clue.
Quick count of the gods we have: we have a Scottish Egyptian god, Dane Egyptian god, a French Egyptian god, a lot of Australian Egyptian gods and a Black Panther Egyptian God. Wait is this the origin story for Black Panther? I honestly love how Gerard Butler doesn’t even try to hide his Scottish accent as he plays Sept. This man knows that all you need is a tan and eye liner to qualify as Egyptian. He kills his brother Osiris, who bleeds bright gold paint, during the coronation of Horus (his Nephew) and he takes over the kingdom. He also plucks out Horus’s eyes out for good measure.
The thief steals the eye of Osiris… why would you store that? Why just not keep it in your pocket and never lose it? I bet Sept has many pockets in one of his Rick Flair/Liberachi tunics. Nobody can steal from the all-powerful Scottish Egyptian God. WHOOoooooooOoo!
Horus needs to regain his powers and flies up to space to talk to his grandfather Rah. Captain Barbosa from The Pirates of the Caribbean franchise plays the all-powerful Rah; god of the sun. He runs the show from his space station up in space. He moves the sun with a chain and fights a huge CGI monster to stop it from eating the flat Earth. This sequence is legit the one sequence that I truly enjoyed. The monster looked weird but within this movie it was awesome and the flat earth was a great visual touch.
During the recharge mission of the Dane Egyptian god, Gerard Butler is tracking down all the gods that didn’t join his side. He flies in on a chariot flown by to gigantic scarabs as his army invades the home of his ex-wife. He kills his ex-wife so he doesn’t have to pay alimony. I mean think about the court battle regarding his new-found fortune. Scottish gods don’t have time for court hearings.
Jamie Lannister, aka the great Dane Egyptian god, fights cow gods? This sequence is one of the most dizzying sequences ever put to film. The sequence is pure CGI and the camera is constantly spinning around the “fight scene”. Actually wait, he then fights two huge snakes and this HAS to be the most dizzying. My eyes genuinely hurt. I’m just going to stare out my window for a while. Oh, look a butterfly, do you think a caterpillar knows he is going to become a butterfly when they go into a chrysalis? Or do you think their tiny minds are blown as they bust out of the chrysalis and suddenly they can fly? Anyway, I guess I can dive back in to this CGI cluster f**k.
Alright, so what is happening here now? I’m currently watching a scene where a shit-tone of Black Panther Egyptian gods are reading books in a CGI library. Because why would you build a library or go to an already existing library. Right? He is convinced by the good guys to join their cause, just like Captain America: Civil War. He was one of the best parts of Civil War, I’m legit looking forward to that movie, they have an incredible cast and… what? he just got killed by Gerard Butler, well that messes up with the Marvel continuity. Let’s skip ahead.
Set fights Rah and an epic war fight breaks out with Horus… I think I’ve just had it, my eyes legit hurt with the constant amount of CGI. Good guys win, bad guys lose love prevails and all that jazz. There were some real-life humans in frame, sometimes and that’s why I love movies.
Gods of Egypt is currently streaming on HBO Go. I’m going to sleep; good night guys thanks for reading.
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