Fateful Findings - 2013
From the mind of God’s gift to humanity - or, to the layman, Neil Breen comes Fateful Findings. If you don’t know who he is, Google him, now. Come along as I guide you to what I consider to be the Citizen Kane of So Bad they are Good movies.
This movie opens with an animal skull following two kids as they take a stroll through the forest. When the kids run into a considerable mushroom, it becomes a tiny chest with a black stone inside. The kids walk away with them, and the small chest turns back into a giant mushroom. I know, I get goosebumps writing it down — such art. What deeper meaning is hidden in here my tiny brain can’t begin to comprehend.
Now that the prologue is established and we fully understand what this story is about, the movie can indeed start. The boy has grown up into the beautiful specimen known as Neil Breen. While talking on the phone with his wife he gets run over by a Rolls Royce that belongs to a stripper, I think. Remember kids: don’t walk and talk. I think the Rolls got the brunt of it since it’s bleeding profusely compared to him. The stripper tries to steal the magical stone away from him, but he saves it just in time. Can you imagine what would happen if the rock fell into the wrong, glitter-filled hands?
Cut to the hospital and Breen has a diaper on his face covering the wound because he suffered massive head trauma. This is a real hospital, not an office with a gurney and a curtain because the production value is staggering. Guess who the brain expert of the hospital is? If you guessed the girl from the opening scene, then you are correct. But how? Did you already watch it? Why are you playing games with me? Do you think this is funny? Breen appears in his house, and I think it’s the time of the month for him because everything is covered in blood. Breen gets naked (diaper still on his face), and we see he is holding an actress hostage in the shower.
Next shot is Breen back to work writing his next book. Sadly, the diaper is off his face, but the pain is unbearable, and he drops two of the three laptops he has opened on his desk. In the next scene, Breen has four laptops opened on his office and is working on his book. I have been writing this blog for three months now, and I think it’s time to up my game and buy old Sony laptops. This will help me in my writing process.
There are no words to describe the following scene, watch it.
I can never drink coffee again.
Ok, so you may be asking yourself, what is this movie about? Well, the signs have been there all along. It’s about a hacker, hacking his way into discovering all the national and international corruption that has been going on. The hacker would be Breen if you didn’t get that far.
When Breen finally confronts his wife over her pill addiction, the hacking is too distracting. He sits down next to her (one laptop only) and starts hacking. He tells his wife his intentions of everything he is about to hack. He’s hacking so hard at the hacking that the hacked people won’t know what hacked them.
Alright, barbeque party time. The doctor at the hospital is invited. She drops her notebook on the floor. THE SAME NOTEBOOK FROM THE BEGINNING! This is a master class in writing. Boom! They reconnect, sparks fly, and they confess their love for one another. Don’t worry about why she would be carrying around a notebook from her childhood at a barbeque party. I do that all the time. I have a different notebook depending on the food being served at the party.
Breen reconnects with his former flame in the park. Now the animal skull sees them walking down the same path they walked when they were kids. This is what we in the business like to call “coming full circle.” The mushroom is still there and with the help of some glitter the tiny treasure box appears. “It’s a magical day. It’s a magical time”. He gives back the black stone, and they have sex… no-wait, magical sex on top of the tiny chest. We get some Breen nip action going on, and the world is better for it. Oh, sorry, while all of this is going on his wife is committing suicide in their house.
So, no rest for the wicked. Breen eats a salad in his research room surrounded by his four laptops and his new old love. He confesses to her what he has been doing all along. The hacking of the information deeper than any other human has ever hacked before. He even hacked the hypocrisy of a massive level that has been going on all along.
His old new flame is kidnapped, but Breen has a particular set of skills, and he will find her. Breen arrives at where she is being held and confronts the kidnapper, breaking a beer bottle over his head. He stands in front of the locked door, and he vanishes. He… vanishes. He VANISHES. He VA… and reappears inside the container where she is being held at. He blindfolds her because she can’t see what is about to happen. Side note: I wish I had a blindfold. He picks her up, and together they vanish and reappear outside, safe and sound.
We are in the bottom of the ninth inning guys, almost there. Stick with me.
So, there is a scene where Breen is in a desert, and three people appear and disappear along with a book. Then we get another scene in which his old-lady therapist disappears from her chair. I mean honestly, the level of art and symbolism is beyond me. I can’t even pretend I understood this; it is so above my level of intelligence. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME BREEN!?
Ok, finally we get Breen in front of a green screen and the world, confessing what he has been up to. He has hacked more than anybody has hacked before. He has filed, supporting documents, actual documents, and truth. They will be given to the public. This leads to all the corrupted businessmen, politician, and people that walked on to Breen’s set committing suicide. All of them kill themselves one after the other. The hacks were so powerful that it leads to mass-suicide. A sniper comes out of nowhere to kill and shut up Breen, but a shooter who is never shown stops him just in time. I think it was the truth that killed him, too.
My original draft was over 2,000 words long. Here is what I had to cut out:
· Entire sub-plot of Breen’s friend not having sex with his former porn star wife. At least that’s what my heart says she is.
· Very young stepdaughter of his friend, trying to have sex with Breen.
· Ghost? Spirit? Magician? A businessman that appears and disappears throughout the entire movie and they only show his shoes.
· Former porn star cold-blooded murder of Breen’s friend that she plays off as a suicide.
·Breen’s constant visits to his TWO psychotherapists.
·Salads are hilarious.
· Glad trash bag commercials, with Breen naked.
Fateful Findings is a complex deep movie. Breen manages to touch on so many relevant topics in just an hour and forty minutes - questions that include, suicide, magic, notebooks, alcoholism, pill addiction, hacking, corruption, marital problems, underage sex cravings, and mushrooms. If you ask me why I love movies, all I have to say is Neil Breen.
Fateful Findings is currently streaming on Amazon Prime. I don’t think I need to say watch it.
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