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Babylon A.D. - 2008

Babylon A.D. - 2008

Babylon A.D. stars Vin Diesel, aka Vinny the D, as a former soldier turned mercenary in a dystopian future. He is recruited to escort a woman from Russia to America… I know, very topical with our current political climate. This movie was directed by *insert name here* and he for some reason hasn’t gotten another crack at directing another American film since. I have a theory that every single role Vinny the D has done before this movie prepared him for this tour de force performance and I will highlight it throughout he review.

For those who are not that versed in the Vinny the D universe this are the roles that shaped his performance in Babylon A.D.:

Saving Private Ryan (soldier)                                  *The Chronicles of Riddick (sci-fi action)

*The Iron Giant (robot elements)                             * xXx (doing backflips / lots of fake tattoos)

*The Fast and the Furious (family / driving fast)  *A Man Apart (beard and unshaven head)    

So, let’s just jump in to this head on.

We get the opening credits as Vinny the D is walking along in the rain. Something that you will notice instantly is that all the words that have the letter E, have an inverted 3. Why are the Es shaped like inverted 3s? I am 100% sure the answer to this deep and important question will be answered by the end of this movie.

A man with a huge nose hires Vinny D to take a mysterious woman across Russia to America, almost like a blind date. But once he arrives he is instantly c**k blocked by her chaperon. The chaperon quickly establishes the rules: everywhere they go, SHE goes. You know there is always that one friend in the group like, “we came together we leave together. “

Turns out many people want the woman Vinny the D is escorting and he isn’t good at hiding her. The first place he takes her to they are instantly recognized by people with futuristic binoculars. I would love to see a remake of Rear Window with those binoculars. One of the people that is after this woman is a dude that I think recently got into a car accident. He has a futuristic neck brace trying to get that futuristic insurance payout.

Vinny the D gets cornered in a disco/factory/underground MMA plastic cage fighting ring/restaurant/club by a bicyclehelmet- (safety is important, kids) wearing parkour gang. Do you remember parkour? Dude that was so cool. They like go from point A to point B but instead of walking there like a human being, they jump and do handstands and crawl on stuff. Super Cool. The best part about parkour movement was the people on YouTube who thought they could do it after watching two videos. There is a video of a dude dressed like Spiderman going through a roof of a building that deserved an Oscar. I have never laughed so much. It is the best video of a man dressed as Spiderman going through a roof ever made. I stand by that statement. Oh yeah, the movie… what did we miss?

They get into a submarine and cross the water. They see the Coca-Cola bears murdered in the frozen lake. Vinny the D channeling his XXX persona doing a backflip on a snow bike and shooting a gun in midair. Vinny the D shares a beautiful moment with the women he is crossing the border and just like that he is channeling Dom from The Fast franchise… FAMILY. Wait where are the parkour guys? Parkour in the snow would be something, right? I bet a lot of people would slip and fall. Wait… focus, the movie.

So, they make it to the States and they are staying in a hotel. Vinny the D in a towel looking all sexy the girl comes up to him puts her hand on his rock-hard manly chest and goes to kiss him. Yes, finally Vinny the D will get some and bam c**k blocked by the friend. He can’t catch a break. But they are in America and America is the land of the dreams and Vinny’s dreams may come true.

Incoming Plot TWIST: turns out that the girl is pregnant with twins. Even though nobody has touched her. She is a pregnant virgin. Sounds familiar? Yeah just like my ex-girlfriend I mean how did the writers know that story… should I sue? I didn’t share this story with anybody. There is a leak among my inner circle. Let’s bookmark this so I can finish this movie and circle back to my legal options.

Vinny the D decides he is not giving up the girl as promised. I know, I honestly didn’t see this coming. Who would’ve thought he would create a connection and didn’t want to give her up? ALL HELL breaks loose. Everybody is shooting at everybody. The c**k blocker dies and you know that was part of Vinny’s dream. A Missile linked to a tracker in Vinny the D’s head is launched. So, he jumps in a van and closes the doors and he survives the explosion. There is a second Missile and the girl shoots him so the Missile loses the signal because he died. Cool? Cool.

Don’t worry dude with the dude in the futuristic neck brace saves him. He can bring back to life a man that died, but he can’t fix his neck? Yeah 100% insurance scam. For some reason, he gives Vinny the D a robot hand (Iron Giant). He got shot in the stomach… Why did he need a robot hand thing? This future is weird. It turns out that he leader of the parkour gang is the dude in the futuristic neck brace. Now it all makes sense he probably was parkouring along with his crew and rammed his head against a wall. That’s why his crew now wears bicycle helmets.  How did we not get a spinoff movie of their parkouring adventures? We can go as a prequel and see how the gang honed their parkour skills or we can do a straight up sequel of how the gang dealt with the aftermath of this movie. This could’ve been a huge franchise a la Fast and Furious. Oh yeah, the movie… what did we miss?

Oh, it ended? Ah ok cool. How did it end? He is raising the kids… so Family is the final message? Cool. I mean you can say a lot of things about Vinny the D, but the one thing you can’t say is that he is not a family man. Family is why I love movies. Wait, why did they change the E to a 3?

Babylon A.D. is currently streaming on HBO Go. Jump and backflip your way to a viewing. PARKOUR!!

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