Batman and Robin - 1997
Batman and Robin marks the last movie of the Schumacher era and here I am twenty years later watching it again. I’ll copy-paste the plot from IMDB and move right along.
Batman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City.
This opening, holy shit, we get back-to-back nipple, butt and crotch shots of Batman and Robin as they get dressed. Side-note, I honestly want to see the making of these costumes and the designers getting feedback from Schumacher: “Make the butts more rounded, Batman clearly does a lot of squats”. First words uttered in this movie is “I want a car, chicks dig the car”, so that informs you at what we got ourselves in. The new Batmobile is presented in all its glory and it looks like if an aquarium had sex with a car, on acid.
We are introduced to Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mister Freeze and even his costume has nipples. Why do we need nipples added to everything? Oh, Freeze’s goons are hockey player because, you know, ice. Did you know that Batman and Robin are prepared for literally anything? Because their boots come with hidden ice skating blades. Would someone do the Lords work and count how many puns governor Arnold says in this TWO HOUR LONG MOVIE.
Mister Freeze shoots a rocket into the sky and Batman and Robin escape by surfing through the air using doors. Robin gets frozen and Batman must save him. Bats picks-up the frozen bird as if he was a piece of furniture he is moving around the house and drops him in a convenient pool of water. Using his BatLaser he hits up the water enough to defrost Robin, no harm no foul, cool.
We get three quick villain origin stories in a row. First off is Bane in the most 1997s CGI ever, he is strapped to a table and is transformed into the killing machine we all know and love. Next-up is Poison Ivy, she is pushed against a table and snakes cover her body (all that’s needed). When she rises from the floor she knows everything that was added to her sensual body. Literally every single power she has now she instantly knows it. Finally, we see how Mister Freeze… froze. We get security camera footage of full head of hair Arnold complete with glasses to drive home, he is a scientist falling into a tub filled with cold water (all that’s needed).
Fun Fact: the Mister Freeze suit runs on diamond fuel, you know like the DeLorean runs on trash or America runs on Dunkin (or trash).
I know I haven’t read every single comic book made about Batgirl, but I completely missed that Barbara Gordon is Alfred Pennyworths… niece? Ah, according to IMDB she is Barbara Wilson, not Gordon, now it all makes sense. So, Schumacher not satisfied with just the following plots: Mister Freeze’s wife sickness and cure search, Bane’s super soldier program, Poison Ivy trying to save the plants, Batman and Robin’s relationship, Alfred’s search for his brother (who’s also a butler) because he is slowly dying, he decided to add the plot of Barbara going to underground bike races lead by Coolio. Why? Because FUCK YOU that’s why. Side-note: a HUGE part of me wanted Dom from Fast and the Furious to appear during the race, but I know he only races cars, but a “man” can dream.
I’m skipping ahead to the forest-jungle-safari-zoo-Lion King theme party Batman and Robin put together to trap Mister Freeze. The party gets crashed by a sexy dancing Poison Ivy dressed in a pink gorilla suit. She blows a CGI powder on everyone, especially on Batman and Robin, which makes them all fall in love with her. We get a bidding war for the services of Ivy and Batman wins because he pulls out the BAT-CREDITCARD. You know what this means? It means that Batman went down to the bank and filled out a credit card application. He provided a photo ID, proof of residency, proof of income and social security number. The bank then ran a background check and a credit score report. His income and his credit score were so good that he was approved on a card that can be used to pay seven million dollars for a woman. Oh, and Mister Freeze is caught and the Bats gets in a fight with Robin.
Skipping ahead again, my God please give me the strength to move forward. The Bats and Robin are obsessed with Ivy. Ivy builds her new lair by kicking-out glow in the dark bad guys and Ivy breaks-out Mister Freeze from prison with the help of Bane. Bane in this movie is a mix of The Mountain from Game of Thrones and a talking parrot. He just repeats a single word over and over again, I’m surprised he didn’t ask for a cracker. Side-note: if you watch the clip below, notice how he is so strong that the technocrat and hat disintegrate from his strength.
Did you know that Poison Ivy says the following line: “I'm a lover, not a fighter. That's why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him!”, as Bane comes to kick the Bats ass. They directly reference the fact that this movie was made just to sell toys! Oh, Ivy finally drives the wedge between the Bats and Robin and they have a fallout due to the no kissing rule established by the Bats. Not cool dad.
Skipping ahead again to Alfred dying in bed from Ewan McGregor syndrome and he hands Barbara a disk that only family can see. Barbs proceeds to “hack” the disk by guessing the password. Slowly typing one letter at a time, painfully slow. What’s inside the CD? The logo for the movie off course in a slide presentation that informs Barbara of every single secret of Batman. Alfred hasn’t seen this girl in years, he doesn’t know she can be trusted, but gives her everything Bats holds close to the chest like it was nothing. So, Alfred created an AI that gives Barbara her suit, and that’s it; that’s Batgirl’s origin story. But don’t worry we also get a suit up montage of her butt, crotch and nipple as she puts on her suit. See, Schumacher is a feminist, equality for all rubber suits.
Quick note; it’s just completely ironic that Schumacher took the only good thing about this movie (Alfred) and try to kill him, brilliant choice.
MOVING ON! Robin has rubber lips that protect him against Ivy’s poising laced lips. Batgirl arrives crashing through the window and has a fist fight with Ivy. Luckily, we got that bike racing background to understand why she is so well trained to combat evil. When Batman learns what’s her name, he says; “That's not very PC. What about Batwoman, or Batperson?” Why? Because FUCK YOU that’s why.
Mister Freeze freezes Gotham and here comes the new action figures Batman, Robin and Batgirl silver edition. Batgirl literally just got her suit a scene ago and she’s now wearing a new suit. How fast can these suits be made? Not only do the action figures come with new suits, they have new vehicles as well. Batgirl comes with a bike that runs on ice (sure), Batman comes with an ice boat thing (yeah) and Robin comes with an airboat (really?) … Kids ask your parents for permission before calling to buy, they are only twelve easy payments of $9.99.
Alright my friends we are almost done. The final battle starts, Bane is taken out and he shrinks down to his original skinny self. They stop Mister Freeze and the very same Batgirl that not too long ago, “hacked” the cd by slowly typing random password, hacks into the satellite system to defrost Gotham by reflecting the sunlight off the satellites. Sorry that sentence was long but my head genuinely hurts, I’m grabbing another beer.
Quick notes of the ending. Mister Freeze cures Alfred from his Ewan McGregor decease. Mister Freeze is put with his ice suit in jail as Poison Ivy’s jail mate, because that’s a thing. And the final shot is of the three main actors literally running away from this dumpster fire of a film.
Taking Arnold and Uma aside, this movie was painfully dull. I was bored for the most part, but I did have some great laughs in between the pain. While Batman Forever isn’t the best movie in the history of Batman, it still felt like they tried to have a movie. Batman and Robin feels like a very long toy commercial for toys nobody wants. Mister Freeze ice puns is why I love movies.
Batman and Robin is currently streaming on HBO Go. Note to editor: insert Ice pun here.
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