Good Guys Wear Black - 1978
I usually don’t swear in my reviews but this is a CHUCK MOTHER-FUCKING NORRIS movie. For the rest of this review I will stick to CMFN to keep the word count low.
I was scared / excited at the intro in where I genuinely thought this was the opening to a porn-flick. The sax blasting that sexy-sexy-groove all over the credits as what I can only assume was scenes to the movie with an “special” effect over them. Once the credits end we cut-to a man in Paris smoking, drinking and whistling while watching TV, you know like we all do. We get a lot of backstory about the CIA and the political ploys of a senator or something, I think… honestly all I kept thinking where is CMFN?
Finally, we get to see CMFN, the leader of a black-ops military group, called The Black Tigers and the only one allowed to wear a trucker hat (his men are relegated to beanie status). He gives them their orders and puts on his aviator-sunglasses, again the only one allowed to wear them. Ok, quick question to you… my loyal reader… What does an American black-ops team use as their weapon of choice for silent killings? If your answer is ninja stars, then you are correct… but why would you guess that?
Here we go ready, I wasn’t prepared for the none-stop pitch back gunfight this movie brought me. I could barely make-out what the hell was happening. One thing that I clearly saw was CMFNs beautiful golden hair shinning among the chaos. As the gunfight continues CMFN is cornered by two stupid men that quickly receive what they deserve, they brought guns to a CMFN leg fight! His kicks are so fast, that the sound effects couldn’t keep-up. He was betrayed by his government and him and his team are left for dead.
Cut-to five years later and a mustachioed CMFN is now racing a Porsche and teaching a very intimate small-class about the Vietnam War. We learn that during does five years CMFN not only grew his glorious and impeccable mustache, he gained a strong stance on not having lunch and who has a lot of lunches (Washington, duh). If you ever doubt the level in which CMFN is on, just so you know he lives on a professor’s salary and can have multiple Porches.
Quick points, there is a sex scene (you’re welcomed) and CMFN can run faster than a car.
Skipping ahead to the ski trip, CMFN learns that his team is being hunted and is recruited to warn them about potential harm coming their way. I know what I want to be for Halloween this year and that is CMFN in his all blue winter-jump suit skiing down the mountain. I won’t even come close to him, but hopefully I can make him proud. His friend gets shot in mid-ski jump, CMFN chases the killer down and murders him with one single kick. I almost broke my keyboard, I was too pumped recalling that scene in my head.
The fools after watching what CMFN does to people that kill his loved ones, dared to kill his love interest. This time CMFN wants to make him sufferer by lowering the power behind his kicks. After a long fight sequence, we get a weird trick of the camera. For split second, it looks like a stunt double of Asian descent, wearing a golden hair wig and mustache jumping in the air flying throw the windshield and kicking a mannequin that was driving a car. But we all know it was CMFN and the car was going full-speed and he really did kill that man.
We get a very long winded explanation as to what happened and why the Tigers got betrayed. Honestly, I didn’t hear a word of what they said, all I could think about was the weird camera trick I just saw. But, moving on we get to see CMFN fight 30 men at the same time and kick their asses! Ok it was more like 3 or 4 but my god was it exhilarating.
We get another very long winded explanation as to what happened and why the Tiger got betrayed. This time I heard something because the politician compared the Tigers to slavery, women’s rights and the invasion of Cambodia. So, how does this action-packed movie ends? CMFN driving a car off a pier killing the politician and obviously, him surviving.
Ok, I must be completely honest here… I just wanted to talk about CMFN. I don’t fell this movie 100% belongs in this category, but I needed to talk about CMFN.
CHUCK MOTHERFUCKING NORRIS is why I love movies.
Good Guys Wear Black is streaming on Netflix, I think what you need to do.
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