Super Mario Bros - 1993
Super Mario Bros, stars Bob Hoskins as Mario, John Leguizamo as Luigi and Dennis Hopper as King Koopa. This legendary movie, of one of the most beloved video game characters, can be summarized in a very simple statement… Why not. I sat there watching this movie, truly trying to keep up with the 101 plot-points that where running at the same time, and I only imagined the writers saying “Why not”, when asked why they added that scene to their script. So… why not review it. Like Mario would say, “Here we go”.
Opening sequence adds the necessary plot of the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, didn’t kill them it created a parallel world. Taking the dinosaurs to this parallel world in where they have evolved and become intelligent. Honestly, I must have been playing the games wrong, never understood how deep the side-scroll truly was.
We are introduced to Mario and Luigi and you know they are just plumbers from Brooklyn trying to keep up with the competition. There is a mysterious duo is chasing a girl, Luigi and Mario help her out and invite her to dinner and our love interest has been introduced. Daisy (not Peach), that’s right this time around Luigi is the one trying to save his princess, I mean finally.
So, Daisy is working to save something (it doesn’t matter) that a rich-man, you’ve seen them before, is trying to destroy. Daisy takes Luigi down to the tunnels, you know to show him why it must be saved. But rich-men don’t play fair and he sent goons to sabotage the water pipes within the tunnels. Little did he know that the Super Mario Bros (moving forward in my review they will be referred to as “The Bros”, because why not) would be there putting their pluming powers to good use, becoming the heroes they were destine to become.
The mysterious duo finally gets a hold of Daisy and The Bros follow them through a CGI portal (super early CGI, things that PlayStation one would laugh at) to the parallel world. This world looks like a Total Recall set that got rejected during the story board stage. We learn that the mysterious duo works for Koopa and he wanted Daisy because she is the only one that can merge the two worlds with a piece of meteor she has on her necklace. Honestly going to have to revisit the games, all this rich lore flew right over my head.
Ok, see if the following scene makes sense to you (tweet at me or comment below, because I can’t understand it). We get this weird sequence of sweet old-lady that starts talking to The Bros. It turns out that she is a hijacker and slowly steals Daisy’s necklace (Luigi had it, something happened and he ended up with it). Not weird at all, you might say, I’m going over to Twitter and shame you. But like this entire movie will continues to prove, there is more. A huge lady comes-out of nowhere grabs the old-lady, throws her off the ledge into traffic, she lands inside a car, gets-up uses her taser-gun on the driver (innocent by standard), causing him to crash and there is a huge care pile. Ok, you might say that is a bit weird, no my friend I haven’t finished. The big lady takes the necklaces for herself, says a snarky comment to Mario and flies away with was I can only assume are jet-boots, but the shootout some weird vapor. So, when you really think about it, the answer is why not.
The Bros get arrested and we FINALLY learn what Mario’s full name is, it’s Mario Mario. Oh, and Luigi Mario… yeah that’s a thing, moving right along.
They get arrested and processed and put into a cage. They learn about the parallel dimensions and they also learn about the fungus being the former king and now it’s spread across their city, because he was de-evolved (dude there is so much the games left out). Oh, and Koopa poses as their lawyer and stuff happens. We are introduced to a machine that can de-evolutionize people (that’s a thing) and The Bros narrowly escape, with the help of the fungus.
We get a scene with Koopa taking a mud bath and he explains why he loves mud: “It’s clean and dirty at the same time” finally my feelings about mud is echoed in movie form. Apparently Koopa is a germaphobe and some reason the games cut-out of the scenes of Koopa cleaning his hands after touching things, don’t know why.
So, let’s fast-forward to when we meet back-up with Big Bertha, that’s the big lady that threw the old-lady to incoming traffic. The Bros team up with the henchmen of Koopa, that now are smart because the machine mentioned above can also make you smart (just go with it). They get dressed-up all nice because the only way to get the rock back is by seduction baby. Mario firmly states; “No woman can resist the charm of a Mario”. Sit down and ask yourself; “what did every SMB fan wanted from a movie adaptation?” Answer; Bob Hoskins as Mario, sexy dancing with a character named Big Bertha (did I need to write that sentence?).
Let’s fast-forward again to when The Bros are in Koopa’s Tower and we finally get the reveal of their classic costumes with a modern twist. Now our heroes are stuck in an elevator that gets filled with bad guys and well, how do you escape an elevator filled with bad guys? Like this:
Daisy learns that her father is the entire fungus that is everywhere, every single inch of fungus around the city is her father… you ok with that? People walk over it, they cut it down, burn it and who knows what else they do with it. That’s daddy she happily says to The Bros and Luigi without hesitation says hi and thank you for all the help. Cool.
We are finally here Koopa vs Mario what we all paid to see. The fight takes place in the traffic section of the set. It’s not that they couldn’t afford another set, this set is so good it deserves to be used over and over again. Mario pulls out the bomb (only thing I truly didn’t hate was this stupid tiny bomb that looks like the one from the game) and wacky stuff happens with the bomb and the fungus, fun. Oh, wait before I go on they start to merge both worlds… and they start to appear in our world. Koopa takes the devo-gun (Oh yeah, they somehow recreated the powers of the machine for a gun) and they turn the evil rich-man (remember him?) into a monkey and everybody starts to laugh. I know I haven’t been to NYC a lot in my lifetime, but this can’t be a normal thing that happens all the time. Trust me if I see that I crap my pants, start to run while I cry-scream my way home. A human being got turned into a monkey, how is this funny? Wait, the suit… it’s called a “monkey suit” and it’s a monkey wearing it… alright yeah funny, you win again movie.
They are zapped back to the parallel world. The bomb finally lands under Koopa and explodes him back to dinosaur form for some reason. The Bros zap him with the guns and he is turned into liquid goo and everybody celebrates. The king is turned back into human form (don’t know how), but all the fungus is still around… so...
The Bro must go back to their world and Luigi kisses Daisy goodbye. Showing that if you truly love somebody you set them free and if they love you they will come back. The news channel reports on The Bros saving of a parallel world… how did they fact check this? We laugh at people when they say “I saw “Bigfoot”, but I’m the savior of an entire parallel world is all cool. This movie ends on the promise of a sequel that we sadly never got.
Super Mario Bros is one of the most unnecessarily convoluted movie ever put to screen. Their source material was a game in where a plumber saves a princess from a monster. But, I got to see Bob Hoskins sexy seduction dance and that’s why I love movies.
Super Mario Bros is playing somewhere I think I found it on YouTube, watch it just so you can tell me if the big lady sequence makes any sense to you.
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