Jack Frost - 1997
Director(s): Michael Cooney
Writer(s): Michael Cooney and Jeremy Paige
Cinematography by: Dean Lent
Editor(s): Terry Kelley
Cast: Scott MacDonald, Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendel and F. William Parker
Synopsis: After an accident that left murderer Jack Frost dead in genetic material, the vengeful killer returns as a murderous snowman to exact his revenge on the man who sent him to be executed (IMDB).
This movie opens with a voiceover of a person telling a story of Jack Frost and his desire to kill people. The second voice I guess is of a little girl, but it resembles more the voice of Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks, who is terrified and intrigued by the story. This mirrors my feelings towards the movie. She asked for a scary story and he delivered with a terrifying story. The terrifying aspect of the story is how long it took for him to finish telling the story.
So, we are introduced to the serial killer who happens to be called Jack Frost. You know, like the snowman… Frosty… get it? Well the polices officers who are driving are both in charge of driving Frost to his execution and of giving the audience all the exposition necessary so we understand just how bad of a man he really is. Because, you know, why would the officer driving the prisoner know anything about one of the most prolific serial killers of their world. But before they could get him to the chair they get into a car crash and random chemicals explode on Frost and he dissolves in the snow. Is this a comic book from the 50’s when we didn’t know how the hell chemicals worked or is this a movie from the 90’s when we didn’t know how chemicals worked?
Quick note: the sheriff who arrested him way back when just so happens to pass by the accident. Classic set up that will surely pay off in the end.
Nadia from American Pie is in this movie and it’s weird to see her play an attractive teen and not an attractive teen with an accent. I didn’t know she had this range. So, the town of the sheriff is throwing a snow(foam)man competition. You know, like Frosty the snow(foam)man, and now the serial killer has turned into a superhero called Jack Frost. I guess he will be able to blend in among all the snow(foam)men.
Ok look, I’m not an expert in snow, since I grew up in Puerto Rico and only been living in Ohio for a few years, but I think the snow used in this movie looks like foam. But I trust this production utilized real snow and I’m just seeing things. Frost also claimed his first victim and somehow the body looks as if it’s been dead for around 100 years but the cops don’t find this weird so I guess the man was super old since he is called “Old-man Harper”. I’m trusting you “Michael Cooney”, if that’s even your real name.
Quick note: there is also an FBI agent tracking down the now-turned-snow serial killer and I’m guessing the script called for the wardrobe to be “James Bond like”. He is wearing a black turtleneck sweater and a brown leather gun holster around his shoulders. But unlike Roger Moore, this guy can really fill up a turtleneck sweater.
We get our second death and it’s a doozy. Jack Frost, now a huge snow(foam)man pushes a bully teenager in front of one of his friend that is sledding down the hill and gets his head sliced cleaned off. Once again, I must give a disclaimer. I’m not too well-versed in snow sleds but I didn’t know that they needed to be sharp enough to cut the head of a teenager clean off. If so I feel the need to write a letter to my senators and representatives to protect our kids from the dangers of sled decapitations. I’m just spit balling here, maybe do a watermelon test to see if the blades are too sharp and if it is too sharp you have sliced watermelon to eat as refreshments. Win, win situation. Jack Frost would later go on to kill the parents of the kids, to end their suffering I guess he has a kind heart after all. The dad gets an axe shoved down the throat and the mom gets turned into a Christmas tree. Festive.
Ok so I need to talk this one out. Nadia from American Pie is the sister of the kid who got decapitated. She takes her boyfriend to the house of the sheriff to have sex with him. Why would you want to have sex at the house where your brother got decapitated? Is this some extreme way of going through grief that I didn’t know about? But this isn’t the only disgusting, inexcusable and disturbing thing that happens in this sequence - the boyfriend also puts ice cubes in his wine. Who the hell puts ice cubes in wine? Frost rightfully kills him for it. While her boyfriend was being murdered, Nadia was blow drying her hair and when she finishes she gets in the bathtub and immediately gets her hair wet. The decisions made by these two psychopaths are inexcusable. Turns out Frost is the water in the bathtub and goes on to kill her in a disturbing manner that I won’t make fun of.
Quick note: the music used throughout this film ranges from fast paced rock and roll to western-inspired and none of it matches the tone set in this movie.
I’m going to move this right along so quick recap. Sheriff finds out the killer snow(foam)man is the serial killer Jack Frost and has a little meltdown. Dramatic. Cosplaying-Bond-FBI-agent explodes the police station to kill Frost only to see him pull himself together resembling a Picasso panting. Hilarious. We get some mumbo jumbo about what the chemicals actually were and how they were meant to be used to save the human race in the future. Cool. They use blow dryers to kill him but it doesn’t work and he tells the Cosplay Bond to “Blow him”. Word play.
If you don’t want this movie spoiled any further please turn away from the screen and re-think your life choices. For the rest of you let’s talk about how they stop Jack Frost. How do they kill the all mighty snow(foam) god? The immortal that can melt and re-freeze at will? He who can create anything with his ice powers? They fill the bed of a pick-up truck full of car anti-freeze and drop him in it Get it? Ani-Freeze! Pure and unsolicited genius. But don’t worry, he is not dead; they show bubbles forming in one of the bottles of the anti-freeze in end. A killer-snow(foam)man killed a Cosplaying-Bond FBI agent after saying “Blow me” and that’s why I love movies.
Jack Frost is currently streaming on Amazon Prime. “What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? The balls”. That’s a running joke in the movie. Nutcracking fun.
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